you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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