My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
