the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize