Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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