Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
