She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
