Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
It's shark week go big or go home
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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