look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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