They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Moan for me like Helen Keller
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
