You just made me feel so damn special
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
