yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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