I'm jealous of your bromance
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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