im six kinds of drunk right now
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
