Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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