She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
