I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
