I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
as a side note pls kill me
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
