i may or may not be watching the land before time
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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