He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
