Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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