i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I believe in your delicious
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
