good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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