Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize