my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
