If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize