In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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