Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize