Banned from zoo.
Again?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
