You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
