DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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