seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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