I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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