you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
