we're chasing vodka with high fives
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Randomize
