Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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