The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
