They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
