In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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