Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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