my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
