I smell stomach acid.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
