Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
