While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
is wine microwaveable?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
