I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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