last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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