Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
BRING THE BAGELS
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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