I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
