HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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