We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
