I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
