Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
