I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
