Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
