I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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