My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
