Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
