I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
