We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
