Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
