She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
God, I missed his penis.
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