I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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