Dual....:-)
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
