so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
