i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize