addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
