I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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