i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize