Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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