i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
