You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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