Soap is not a condiment
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
