bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
