Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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