I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
