you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
